Miles to go before I sleep.

One of my Dad's ex-colleagues recently visited our place. He retired from Office work about 5-6 years back. He falls among those category of people, who, you do not have to work too hard to like. About his life, well, he is unfortunate enough not to be blessed with any children. He used to work in a decent position in Dad's office, so, lets just say, he is more than just stable,financially. He loves to travel and using his resources, he has managed to travel to many, many countries spread over all five continents. From the Taj Mahal, to the African Jungles, to the culturally rich Europe, to the Amazon rainforests, he has been everywhere. No kidding.

If I had to visit any one country in the world, it would be Italy. Apart from the obvious reasons, I have no idea why. Anyway, coming back.With Internet access, all you need to do is type relevant things, and you would be on an almost virtual tour of any place on Earth. Anyway, I always believe, like so many others, that there is no substitute to listening about stories narrated by somebody right in front of you. So, after listening about various incidents and experiences for almost an hour, he said something, which really stayed with me. Here it goes, -- " I've been to so many, so many remote corners of the earth because I love to travel. What travelling a lot does to you is that it kills your pride. We human beings, everyone of us has varying degrees of vanity amongst ourselves. When you travel so much, so many lands, so many people, lifestyles, you actually realise how small and insignificant you are, when compared to the vastness of the planet, not literally. It makes you humble. Humility nowadays is becoming a cult virtue, which it ideally should not be. "

I've travelled too little due to a lot of valid reasons, but the lines got me thinking. He was right of course. I don't know what life has in store for me, or how things will pan out in the future. I've been sitting on my fat ass for months now, but if I have resources and opportunity as life progresses, I will certainly try and cover as many miles as I can, to vanquish my own pride, and know mother Earth, bit by bit. Willpower would be a non - issue.

An embodiment of shamelessness.

Of all the examinations I have appeared in my life, CAT 2012 would be unique. Most of the exams I have appeared in, the primary objective has been to give my best. To score maximum marks so that it somehow augurs well for my career. However CAT 2013, which is six days away would be one of it's kind. My primary objective for this exam would be to avert disaster to prevent a social backlash.( No, I haven't been reading about Jason Bourne recently.I totally mean the meaning it means. ) Now, if I manage that, I will have enough confidence to think about preparing seriously for next year.

Yes, GATE 2011 and 2012 were quite similar, with a small yet significant difference. I was in college then, so I was too proud to even consider a social backlash, which indirectly did affect my attempts of disaster prevention. I don't deserve anything, you Allmighty. The funny part is, a part of me does not regret it. With time. With time. An embodiment of shamelessness.

Endorphins.

If someone scrolls down my list of blog posts, they would soon lose interest.I mean, how long would you tolerate someone who's incessantly talking about trying to get better at things? Anyway, I believe it has a reason. Writing about these things acts as a big motivational tool for me.No matter how much you love doing something, periods come when you need a push.And my post is again treading on familiar territory.The path was never supposed to be easy.

I've become a recluse. Socially. I don't know how many Bengalis are there, who don't feel elated during Durga Pujas, the biggest festival in our region.I am one of them. DP is always meant to be fun, going out with friends,rating girls,having junk food, maybe liking someone in the Puja mandap ( as they show magnificently in the coca cola ad),getting drunk ( which is an absolute necessity for so many) and so on.But, over the last few years, it didn't seem to matter much. Infact, over the last couple of years, if i had to jot down a list of things which really mattered, it would be really short.Unconditional love.Never a myth. Trust me.

The challenge was always to become unique and make a difference.Not consciously.I have a natural aversion in thinking about things the normal,or should i say, the popular way. Yet, i always believe a large part of being unique lies in commonness itself. " I would rather feel pain than nothing at all. " -- it's one of my favourite lines from one of my favourite songs.

Worldly issues. Is Julian Assange going to stay in house arrest forever? Is Roger Federer going to be assasinated? How did Goldman Sachs cause the food crisis? yeah, right.I have views.so? nobody gives a rats ass if you can't contribute to a cause or change things. Plain awareness does not help. That is what they don't tell you. It's as good as being an ignorant fool.Life isn't supposed to be this way.Freedom is way too much overrated.

Ample proof of a muddled up mind.Cold Turkey without heroin? Shoot.Maybe I'm unique after all.

Futility.

Yesterday was the Annul Prize distribution ceremony of the Asansol Sub Divisional Sports Association. I attended it after a long, long, time. It was in a pretty bad state before, and it has duly maintained its standards. However the funny part is, no matter how bad state the ASDSA is, no matter how much our demands remain unanswered, our State ministers, whichever, political party, ( the last time I was there CPM was in control ), invariably make it to the occasion, some don't,obviously though. As you watch these ministers dressed in thier dhoti - panjabi's or suits, and the boys and girls, vast majority of who are from the semi - urban parts of our town, some incredibly talented, but unaware of the fact, you just begin to realise again how the terms ' Scouting talents ' or ' Youth Developments ' are still misnomers in India on a broader perspective. It makes me, sad, really sad, though in a few months, I would not have anything to do with it. I remember the last time I attended this, I was entering my adolescence, and I had a huge row with mom regarding how I would dress myself up for the occasion. So, as I was approaching towards the dais yesterday, (wearing my regular tracks, and a funk college T- shirt having the words " I only give negative feedback " boldly imprinted infront, hahaha!, and I was pretty sure I was the worst dressed person in the hall) to collect my runner up medal towards the impeccably dressed  whoever minister, it was nonchalance redefined for me.


I have plans. It would be stupid talking about them now, but I do have them in place all right.

changes aren't good or bad, they are just changes.

Listening to the band,watching the children, and thinking of Tariq -- missing the boy already -- I remembered an incident from the prison. In that other world within a world, back then, I moved into a new prison cell and discovered a tiny mouse there. The creature entered through a cracked air vent, and crept into the cell every night. Patience and obsessional focus are the gems we mine in the tunnels of prison, solitude. Using them and tiny morsels of food, I bribed the little mouse, over several weeks, and eventually trained it to eat from the edge of my hand. When the prison guards moved me from that cell in a routine rotation, I told the new tenant-- a prisoner I thought I knew well -- about the trained mouse. On the morning after the move, he invited me to see the mouse. He'd captured the trusting creature, and crucified it, face down on a cross made from a broken ruler.He laughed as he told me how the mouse had struggled when he'd tied it by its neck to the cross within the cotton thread. He marvelled at how long it had taken to drive thumbtacks into its wriggling paws.

Are we ever justified in what we do? That question ruined my sleep for a long time after I saw the tortured little mouse. When we act, even with the best of intentions, when we interfere with the world, we always risk a new disaster that mightn't be of our making, but that wouldn't occur without our action. Some of the worst wrongs, Karla once said,  were caused by people who tried to change things.

Sometimes we love with nothing more than hope. Sometimes we cry with everything except tears. In the end, that's all there is : love and it's duty, sorrow and it's truth. In the end that's all we have -- to hold on tight until the dawn. -- Gregory David Roberts. ( in his book Shantaram ) .

CHEESY.

It's monsoons, and even in a thoroughly defective individual like me, romantic hormones do a somersault from time to time. So I'll keep this short. Just a couple of lines about love. It's mind-blowingly cheesy, but as I've come to realise, you need cheesy from time to time.

1. Love cannot be quantified. You may like a lot of people at the same time, many may make you feel good,but the one you just can't hurt, no matter what, hurting who makes your insides churn, that is probably the person you're in love with.

2. This mainly goes for the girls. The guy who drowns himself in alcohol after having a fight with you doesn't love you. He does not have the balls to taste the flipside and he wants only the happy moments. The guy who  

has a drink or two and wants to feel every bit of uneasiness the whole night, and in some way desperately wants to make things right is probably the one you should go for.

P.S. -- But you already knew these things, right?  A twisted loony I am. I might very well be wrong. Stranger things have happened.....HAHA !!!!

Stronger.

at the end of the day, all you have left is your principles and ideals. it's what has made you who you are.and over experiences, if you choose to let go of them,who do you have left with you?...no one. at least you can say you stood by something all along with pride. so, you choose to soldier on. man, i'm getting pretty good at this. not blogging, no, you idiots.i'm just tired of doing all the right things.wish my heart worked faster than my brain. i am never going to forget this month. for so many reasons. it's the " let go"  month. and tomorrow is going to be the last United match i see at hostel. and then i know what i am going to do.i am going to be drunk. alcohol and weed.yeah.i will be stronger then on.

IF YOU HAVE A DREAM, YOU GOTTA PROTECT IT.

What is the difference between ambition and dream ?....it's a question that has baffled me sometimes.i guess when you dream, you don't have to consider things, you just let your mind gallop and see where it reaches....and ambition, i guess maybe is a more serious, logical counterpart. i don't know, maybe.


Anyway, i'm bloggin again...atleast for a while. the last few days of anything where you have experienced constancy over a period of time makes you introspect.and i am no different.college life will be over in a little over a fortnight.it has been good, hectic at times,i don't really know how to put it.i guess college life has just been college life -- would be a good way to put it.i will write a post dedicated to my friends and so on once i am over with college so i'm not really going to cry here on how much i'm going to miss each one.nothing humans don't get used to.still, i believe i will cry pretty bad when i leave 225- my room at hostel and i won't be ashamed of it.lets get back to where i started.i remember my first post where i mentioned how i wanted to be a footballer and stuff.i stick to it.when i was in class 8 or 9 i pretty much realised that my dream of being a top notch sportsman would remain unfulfilled.in a small town such as asansol where there were absolutely no facilities or attitude to nurture this dream of mine,maybe i was a kid a tad bit too long.i had lots going on then already.those who know me well would know it.i am pretty used to dealing with things on my own,infact i'm pretty good at it.so i remember that fateful afternoon.i had to do the thinking part.i was going nowhere.i had screwed up my exams pretty bad.the semi annuals.and i wasn't going to become a sportsman either. haha . does sound funny right? well,i'll bet my ass it wasn't.i wasn't really good at anything else.so i sat down to think.i had two options.plain and simple.either play or start studying and forget that you were ever good at any sport.i chose the second.for a few days. as days wen't by i realised maybe i just loved the sport more than i wanted to be this ' Oliver Kahn ' of India. i made my decision.people living in towns, they quickly adapt,its an inborne quality.i realised i just had to play, not at the expense of studies,this time.so, i chose to soldier on,playing, as the opportunities presented itself,while focussing on my studies as much as i could.


Not a lot of people would say i did decent with my high school education.it just wasn't horrible.i got in here,my college.i took up table tennis more seriously,as individual sport is far easy to pursue.today, i'm placed in Infosys, no big deal allright,but not to be sneezed at either and i have repped my college in TT, Football..i have won my college podium finishes in a national level event...i have competed in the district championships..where i did not do too bad and if not for politics i probably would have represented ASN- DGP in the Sate trials.now do i regret that did not become the STAR i dreamt to be? no. i don't. not a bit.i had my dream intact. it just got modified in a logical way.yes, it hasn't been easy.there have been days where i just wanted to give up, smash my racquet, and have a joint to celebrate.but i've resisted, patiently waited for the phase to get over.i've walked 6 kms in the blazing sun thrice a week to my academy until now,where most others have been doing far more attractive things.yes, i made sacrifices, and i'm not exaggerating one bit, to keep my dream going,and i'm proud of it.Sport has made me who i am,it hs shaped me as an individual.yes, there's probably a couple of things in my life i wanted to pan out differently than it did, but its all good.


There's a long career ahead of me. a fresh start. i have to be good at what i do.be it my job or a management degree.and it will be my first priority. my dream will still be there with me, and i will keep on playing, trying to improve and get closer, to be a star... to the world? no...to myself.at the end of this 22 years of eventful life, i've figured out what i wan't...at the end of the day i wan't to be satisfied, happy.you don't really really make money for anything else,in the broader perspective.do i regret that i couldn't start off with a higher paycheque?...no, not anymore.yes, there will be days, when i might think on those lines, but i already have an answer.no again.i'll build from what i have.it has been a feature of my life, and so be it. now,when i ponder about the difference between dream and ambition,(and you might as well differ,of course), the answer doesn't look so hard,no?


NEVER LET GO OF YOUR DREAMS.IT MIGHT BE CRAZY, STUPID, BUT WELL, IF YOU WERE CRAZY AND STUPID ENOUGH TO DREAM IT ONE DAY, IN YOUR OWN CRAZY AND STUPID WAY YOU WILL FIND A WAY TO PROTECT IT TOO.IT'S NEVER TOO LATE.

Wish I Had a Reason.

It's the day my pillow got wet.....like really wet...and it wasn't the sweat out of my forehead, I swear.

PULU PULU WAH WAH....

here i am again...2am in the morning..jobless as ever, sitting and writing a post.Much to the irritation of a few of my friends, i have stopped writing, like, really.

As i approach to the almost penultimate full month of my college life,i can only sit back and gaze, as i was absently gazing at the green shaded wall of my room moments ago.Not so long ago,i remember typing a post about school,what it meant to me,how it shaped me as an individual and how much i missed it.And before i could really get over it and understand what the hell was going on,i've reached the twilight of my college life as well.It's strange.Time flies,or wait,it just doesn't fly,it rockets past us like a supersonic jet making it's presence felt long after it's gone. College,in all, has been just college. Neither good, nor bad.Hostel has been fantastic to me.All my friends there and very few localites.Thoughts have changed, so has my perceptions,of things,philosophies,people etc.I always maintained i was never going to miss college.I admit i was wrong.People have changed over the four years,so i thing it's almost human for me to make some false assumptions.College will be missed,big time.

looking back, the has been a sense of completion in college, barring the possibilty of course that i fail in any of my 8th semester subjects.People who i care about love me,good.Some hate me,even better.as far as sports is concerned i did what i could and i gave whatever i could to college.I've had ok grades.I have a not-to-be-sneezed-at job too.And few things,here and there.On a whole,if you aksed me,if i planned to do something more before i joined college i would say no.If college has changed any of my ideals,i would like to be an individual who makes a difference,in any respect,no matter how small it is.

people change.and they return to give you explantions about things for which apparently you don't care anymore.What college life has definately taught me,sometimes the hard way,is that much contrary to the general belief -- people will always tend to mistrust and doubt you, unless you provide them sufficient reason not to do so.My love life is a farce.Unless some pandora's box opens and i'm suddenly convinced,(here i am still leaving that slight hole for the ray of hope to pass through...i'm such a lousy douche), i think i'm totally ready to start with a clean slate and meet a lot of new people.for a self-obsessed human being like me,it's difficult to find a girl,unless she were a bit of a nutterhead too.

I'm feeling sleepy.It's just a couple of months more,then it's curtains to student life.Life has been life and it has come a long way.I'd like to think i've come full circle...and desperately, i want to tie up all the loose ends in whatever time left.No grudges, no carry on's...just wrap things up,keep the 22 years safely aside, and start on a new page.it's what i will be aiming to do.My next post will probably be when i'm at INFOSYS,blabbing shit about my boss.only time will tell.what are you looking at? GET LOST.

Stop kidding yourself.

this has to stop. this just has to stop. no, not all over again.